One day in 2020, deep into the pandemic, I was doing an hour-long Peloton ride in my apartment. I never thought I’d be part of the Peloton cult, but let me tell you, this bike probably saved my sanity and relationship at the time. I’m watching 90-Day Fiancé on the TV that’s hung on the wall in front of me, and all of a sudden I’m getting really, really pissed off. You know that kind of deep anger that’s turned inwards? Not the kind where you want to lash out at someone, but the kind where you’re mad at yourself. I finished the ride and laid on my back on the floor, breathless and seething, asking myself what the hell just triggered me so badly. I realized that the scene in 90-Day Fiancé where a woman is confronting her partner about cheating on her was what set me off. And the reason it set me off was because years prior, I’d been in a relationship where someone had told me my partner had cheated on me with another friend in our circle, but he denied it to this day. All those old feelings came back, and I felt small and angry and shitty.
This post isn’t about dealing with infidelity or relationships, it’s actually about self-confidence. Sweating and alone, stretching my aching limbs on the floor, I started crying out of frustration. Angry-crying. Angry at myself for dipping into this dark place out of nowhere, frustrated that I couldn’t shake this shitty feeling that I wasn’t good enough.
Then I remember thinking, “fuck. That. Life is too goddamn short to dwell on this crappy stuff. What do I really want? What kind of person do I want to be? What do I want to experience in this life?” The reason this did-he-did-he-not-cheat thing was so triggering was because it fed into a deep, almost subconscious belief I held about myself that I wasn’t good enough. And how did this play into my life goals? I believed I wasn’t good enough as a musician. That I was just kind of average and happened to be a hard-worker, and that the mediocre success I’d achieved was exactly what I deserved. I had been living with a self-imposed ceiling over my head without even realizing it.
Then something happened that I’ll never forget. I caught my breath, dried my eyes on the towel and thought, “I’ve lived my life with this belief that I’m not good enough, that I always have to prove myself, that being worthy is just out of reach for me… what if I tried a new direction?” Let’s do an experiment. From here on out I will live my life, interact with others, write, produce, perform as if I am good enough. That I know what I’m doing, that what I create matters (if only to me), and that it is important (if only to me). No more questioning my worth or my art’s worth.
Something got rewired in my brain that crappy day. I pretty much breezed through the final mixes and masters of my he•don•ic EP after that, without all the usual swirling self-doubt and hesitation and thinking, “I’m not even a mix engineer, these mixes are gonna suck.” I just got to work and did it. And watched a lot of producer Youtube videos. I shared the EP with others without that feeling of smallness, of “oh, this is my little record, it’s okay, you can tell me what’s wrong with it and I’ll make it better.” I moved forward, step by step, like I knew exactly what I was doing and was killing it. This doesn’t mean I didn’t seek any advice, I like getting input from others, but it came from a very different position. Every day I worked to shed the self-doubt little by little. I’d catch my thoughts going into excuses and reasoning why I’m not where I want to be, and I’d re-direct them. Instead of focusing on being a struggling musician, I told myself I was a musician who was actually doing it, who was in the ring and showing up every day. Instead of having a failed single release, I was one song closer to a song that connects with people. And even if it didn’t, it didn’t change how good or not good it was. It is good. I am good.
This is coming from a person who really struggles with people-pleasing and asserting myself, my opinions, my point of view as an artist. I still have days where I just totally shrink and feel jealously toward others who are doing “better” than I am. But since that day, I catch myself so much faster than I used to, and I realize how this is all just used as an excuse to not focus on doing my own work. There is a science in cultivating self-confidence, focus, motivation, and happiness. And a lot of it says that instead of waiting to feel those things, you need to act first and then the feeling eventually comes. You train yourself. I had tapped into this method just by chance.
I bet you’re already harder on yourself than anyone else is. There’s so much pressure on musicians to be really, really good at something, to be consistent, to constantly re-invent, to be great performers, to be good on camera, to master so many skills as the industry keeps changing out from under us. I realized that I don’t need to add to that pressure with bad self-talk. Instead, even if it sounds dumb, I needed to be my own cheerleader. Because fuck, no one else is coming to cheer me on like that and solve my problems. I gotta do it for myself and take some responsibility. And maybe even love myself and and enjoy the process.
Life is a journey and I want to live it with curiosity and hope. To feel expansive and like I have agency over my days. On that sweaty afternoon I learned how to hold myself and it changed… pretty much everything.
Go out and step into your power. ily.
xx
Oh this is so relatable. From the outside looking in to your work, you are DOING it. You are making awesome music every day, being so inventive, having success, rinse and repeat. I hate how we can be so fucking hard on ourselves - this is a pattern I’m intentionally crushing now, too. We are absolutely more than enough. Sending 🤘
Congratulations on the epiphany and mindfulness.
'Past Lives' is a wonderful new movie. Although I'm strong now, and 14 years away from when I last had a relationship, it made me reflect on all of them. So if you can handle nostalgia, opportunities ruined or partners that should never have happened, watch it. It's also criminal that Greta Lee, the actress, is only getting her break at age 40 (but that doubles as happy news).
Shit, hope I never mentioned this before. Your writing makes me look in the past.